As I Walk These Broken Roads...

Discussion in 'Fan Art/Fan Fiction' started by Atomic Cowboy, May 9, 2006.

  1. Atomic Cowboy

    Atomic Cowboy Banned

    May 5, 2006
    Here it is: As I Walk These Broken Roads

    The new and improved version of what was previously called The Wasteland.

    I'd like to thank Botia and TorontRayne for their posts, as well as everyone who's given me constructive criticism: I'd especially like to thank Silencer for pdf-ing and hosting this for me.

    I went back over everything, filled out the characters more, and worked on smoothing out the plot a bit. This has caused my girlfriend to comment that W & R "seem alot less gay," . . . Thanks sweetie.

    I apologize for being slow on getting the second part out - it's written, but needs a bit of massaging into something good. Up 'til now I've been without a laptop, working away from home, so I've been relying on borrowed computers. Now that I have one, my productivity will go up.

    Once again: any and all comments are welcome. Your criticisms helps me write better.
  2. botia

    botia First time out of the vault

    May 11, 2006
    Whoa, that shit's great! The setting, the feeling and especially the very smudgy feeling I get from all the stuff and things is great!
    I havent finished it all, but I'll also say something that disturbed me a bit:
    MILD SPOILER WARNING for people who haven't read this.
    The point where W and Raxx decide to go on a revenge crusade seems a lil'thin. I mean that there doesn't seem to be any obivious motivation for either of them to avenge anything, especially W. You should perhaps give some tip about his past, or make the time he spends in the town a lil' longer. As for Raxx, a romance is always good for a motivation, (especially if she's dead), but a bit unoriginal.

    Also the storyteller seems sometimes all knowing, and sometimes it only knows the same as W, this all knowing thing only happens once or twice, but just popped on my mind.

    Yeah, I finished it, the ending was great, it caught me by surprise, and left a slightly sad feeling on the air. I still think you could make it sadder by making Raxx have a wife/girlfriend and killing her.

    One thing left me puzzled though: Why didn't the Hellhounds get radiation sick? Or was it as was implied, that it wasn't their permanent "home"? How come they still called it home?

    In spite of all these notes, I still would have read a much longer story, and enjoyed it greatly. I like your style of writing, especially the feelings and wibes of things described.
  3. Silencer

    Silencer Night Watchman Staff Member Admin

    Nov 7, 2003
  4. Atomic Cowboy

    Atomic Cowboy Banned

    May 5, 2006
    Botia: thanks alot, man! Especially for the constructive criticism. That's exactly what I was hoping for, the kind of stuff that it's hard to see yourself.

    Silencer: Absolutely you can host it here, I'd be honoured. Thanks for converting into pdf, I looked around for some free utilities in which to do so but wasn't able to locate any.

    There is more coming. The story arc I'm thinking of is roughly three novels in length, and this summer I hope to do some "primary source" research via my motorcycle for some of the places where it occurs. Over the next week or two I'll revise the first portion, if anybody else cares to give me some feedback that would be great.

    Thanks again for the feedback, I'm glad to hear you liked it from somebody who's not my friend. Cheers.
  5. TorontRayne

    TorontRayne Misanthropic God of Rations Staff Member Moderator Orderite

    Apr 1, 2005
    Great story Cowboy!!! I would love to see more stories in the future.
  6. Atomic Cowboy

    Atomic Cowboy Banned

    May 5, 2006
    *bump* (due to edit)
  7. SNorth

    SNorth Where'd That 6th Toe Come From?

    Mar 13, 2004
    I haven't had time to read your 'new' version yet, but I enjoyed the first. I'll read the new one soon. I think you have something worthwhile with this.
  8. babadook

    babadook Legislative Senator oTO Orderite

    Apr 2, 2005
    Just finished your story. I could have bought this as a book without getting surprised at it's content. You are a great writer, and therefore MUST post more, you cattle.


    He never finalized the book he remember the page number for in the beginning. Love all those details though!
  9. Tycell

    Tycell Still Mildly Glowing

    Oct 12, 2004
    Just starting reading this, its fantastic. Good work.

    Though I did find your "It has big words you wont understand without a dictionary" at little patoranising, but then I would assume the majority of readers might well not know all the words.
  10. Nova

    Nova It Wandered In From the Wastes

    Jul 1, 2006
    Just finished reading it and I really enjoyed it!

    Like Botia says it shifts view, but it's not something that works against the story in any way, except Wentworths epilogue, which seems too subjective compared to the rest of the story. Maybe work into something he says at the bar in the end, and yeah, maybe reveal a bit more about him.
    Another thing, I never got the feeling that a lot of time passed when Raxx took Wentworth for a drive that morning.

    I loved Verizon and Billy, and I thought the way they died was the only way.. they'd have seemed out of place if you'd let them survive. Nice work on that part :D

    There are still some small misspellings and extra/missing words, but nothing crucial, just thought I'd let you know.

    Also, your writing style reminded me of Tom Clancy, did you let yourself be inspired by him? ;)

    Again, great work man, I really dug it. Looking forward to seeing more from you!