*switches to 3rd person mode*
To know who Ancient Oldie is, you need to know who Ancient Oldie was...
Conceived in 1880 by an inhuman union of platypus, cuban cigar, and "Lilly, the Fat Bearded Wench", main attraction and star of a traveling circus (how it happened is another, steamy tale
), He was born on April 7, 1881 and was named Oldie. Upon delivery, he raised his right tiny, baby fist in the air and proclaimed, "I'm going to break the Guiness record for the oldest person in the world, you just wait and see." unbeknownst to him at the time, he had also broken the record for "youngest person to speak a full complete sentence, conjuctions and everything", however the Guiness Association didn't exist at the time to confirm this momentous event... nor are they responsible for creating that last grammatically butchered title.
His early childhood and teenage years were rather ordinary for the son of of a famed circus freak. He once tried in vain to breed a cow, pig, lamb, fish, and chicken in an attempt to create an abomination that would fulfill his desire for offending all vegans. However, tragedy struck when the Abominable Snowman confused his mother for a sexual mate and eloped to the mountains with her. By all accounts, Oldie's mother found the yeti unrefined, yet charming in an exotic, legendary monster sort of way. Upon hearing this, Oldie once again raised his right fist in the air and vowed to "find my mother and kick that bigfoot motherfuckers ass".
Halfway up Mount Nuttobutt, Oldie slipped and fell into the mountain's famed, giant crevice. Miraculously, instead of breaking every bone in his body and leaving behind something that can be best described as a bloody mass of lumpy goo, he became lodged in ice and was frozen in a state of suspended animation. Only until recently has anyone been able to explain how this is possible, but the one man that knows how, Mr. Stephen Speilburg, refuses to elaberate on the grounds that it would give away the plot to his next overrated, rehashed tripe of a movie.
Because of the global-warming induced super summer of 1991, Oldie was thawed out of the ice cube he had called home for the past 90 years. Unlike what the "Believers of Walt Disney's Frozen Head" (known as BWDFH for short) say, being frozen in a state of suspended animation, (or SSA) doesn't prevent the advent of aging (commonly known as IOF, or "irritable old-fuck" disease). He was a 110 years old and confronted by a brave new world.
Luck was on his when he found a job with the Hip-Hop group, the "Wu-Tang Clan", appearing in many of their videos as the old kung-fu guy who kicks everyone ass. Experts say that the reason he got the job was because of a speech impediment he had, known as Shittydub's disease, in which his lips and words don't flow together correctly. During his time with the group, he received the title "Ancient Pimp Fizzle Shnizzle", but everyone called him Ancient Oldie for short.
However, all was not good at the Clan. One day, Ancient Oldie and Old Dirty Bastard started an argument over who truly was older, dirtier, and a bastard. Because of it, Oldie was forced to leave Wu-Tang and Old Dirty Bastard (currently known as Dirt McGirt) has changed his name several times since.
Feeling utterly crushed and depressed, Ancient Oldie tried to find some way to cope with these feelings, and became addicted to Viagra and internet porn. One day while browsing a porn site called "Chicks with Salami's", Oldie, to his horror, saw his first she-male. Disgusted (but slightly aroused), he raised his left fist in the air (the usual right fist had more pressing matters on hand), and declared that he would find a porn site that was "free of evil hermaphrodites". In his search, he came across a site titled "No Mutants Allowed". Believing that this would be the answer to his quest, he was quickly disappointed to discover that it was only a site devoted to some crappy old games. He joined the forum solely to complain about the false advertisement, but upon seeing the foolishness that pervaded the board, decided that gracing it with his ever-annoying presence would be a more suitable punishment.
*The written document above may or may not be a poor, tasteless attempt of comedy by a mentally disturbed 22 year old college student driven mad by his current job as a customer service representatice at a callcenter.